Longest two weeks of my LIFE…

So I am trying to recover from loosing our babies… It’s so stinking hard.

I have barely been out in days… I showered three times yesterday… It was hard resisting the urge to shower today… (so far I’ve won the battle but the night is yet young..) but just helping with the wash wore me out. I ducked out to the deli and felt like crying because the deli across the street closed early for no apparent reason and I had to walk an extra two blocks to get to the next open deli. It was a battle fighting off the panic.

I’m reverting back to what I used to be… and I HATE ME FOR IT!

But at least my new-found roommates both have incredible senses of humor.

 

There must be something wrong with me

I keep searching youtube… watching videos..

Some part of me desperately needs to know other moms have gone through this….

So much pain… I feel like I’ve been torn to pieces. My heart is breaking.

Part of me doesn’t even want to keep going…

And doesn’t that just sound so selfish since I still have Jo and Christian…

I keep listening to the same songs and all I do is cry and sleep… I wish it were all over. I wish it would just stop hurting so much.

I wish I could just get up and be me again.

The twins have been gone only 31 hours but the hole that has been blown apart in my soul…

How am I going to survive this?

My apologies

Please forgive my lack of posts over the last week or so…

We are dealing with a family loss and I will post again when I’m up to it.

Prayers appreciated.

Blessings,

Beth

“On my Knees” Bob Carlisle

Stand with all my might
and still I seem to fall
I try to walk before I even crawl
Oh, it seems I’m like a child in need again
A helpless heart, a broken man
Strength is something that’s so very hard to find
But still I know the truth it must be blind
So I sacrifice my heart to God in prayer
Lay my weakness down and I’ll find you there

I can stand tall
On my knees,
I can see forever On my knees,
I can face it all I feel like I can climb a mountain
‘Cause on my knees
the world’s A little smaller
and I stand taller
on my knees

See a man in a garden long ago kneeling alone
As the weight of sins unseen and lies unknown
Came to rest upon his weary shoulders
He knew my name,
he took my pain

So I can stand tall
On my knees,
I can see forever
On my knees,
I can face it all
I feel like I can climb a mountain
‘Cause on my knees the world’s A little smaller
and I stand taller
on my knees

There’s a peace that shadows anything I know I lay down every burden and I’m free

On my knees,
I can see forever
On my knees,
I can face it all
I feel like I can climb a mountain
‘Cause on my knees the world’s A little smaller
and I stand taller
on my knees

Wow. Just wow.

I go out of my way to put myself out there like my coach suggested.

I gave someone I thought was a friend a gift certificate because she finally got pregnant after a long fight and all this..  I was genuinely happy for her …

The only way I could really say “congrats” was to send her a gift certificate for my studio because it doesn’t actually cost me anything to give them away other than my time and everything.

She thanked me, swore how touched she was by the gift… Promised when they planned the nursery for the baby, they would use it. (That was what it was for specifically)… Now I find out they completed the nursery with all it’s color and theme… Don’t get me wrong, it looks amazing… but they didn’t use the certificate. Not a word about it.

I feel crushed. Am I wrong? Probably so. But I put myself out there and I still got hurt.

How is that fair again?

I’m not exactly venting… She can obviously do as she wants… and I understand. It’s their nursery for what will probably be their only child… so everything has to be just so… I remember those feelings and dreams…

But I …

I dunno.

 

I put certificates in my christmas cards since I couldn’t really afford to get everyone presents… not one has been turned in…

Maybe it’s me. I know I’m not the best artist out there, and I’m fine with that… I just want to make someone feel like someone went out of their way to do something unique and special for them.

Maybe it’s just me…

Health Fair is starting to take shape

So I have a new pet project for Jo’s school.

I am setting up and running a health fair in March.

So far it’s looking pretty good. I have 2 promised vendors so far so I’m psyched.  This is the first one I’m running entirely on my own. I’m excited. 🙂

I like pet projects.

I like doing things to make people’s lives better.

More on this when there is more to share.

Happy New Year, ya’ll!!

2013 sucks already…. or maybe…

Yeah. If today is any sort of basis for how the rest of the year will go, then I already know this year is in the shitter. Joy.

But. they say how you spend New Years Eve when the ball drops is how you will spend the rest of the year (hence the tradition of kissing someone when the ball drops in hopes of soliciting romance for the following year) I was on the couch with my two babies. Happy. Even though they were driving me nuts- which they always do- but they were actually sitting behaving and counting down (somewhat.) It was really nice. So. If that is how I am allegedly supposed to know how this year will go, then I shall not complain. 🙂

Despite old wives’ tales and theories though, one thing I do believe. A year- to a degree- like life- is what you make of it. And having gotten some … um… unexpected news last night- it was the thing to push me over the top. I am going to be making some major moves this year. I have to. For my family. For my sanity. Just because. I have taken too much for too long and this last thing was what has pushed me over the edge.

Making changes terrifies me. Scares ever-loving bejeezes out of me. But I will be a better person if I force myself and do this. No more pretending. No more excuses. For me. Something that hasn’t been done in a long time.

So.

Happy New Year, ya’ll.